Sermons and Confessions

I recently attended my first parent teacher interview.  In three years of school I’ve never seen the need.  We have a bright and happy boy who has always and continues to do well at school.  My wife was tied up at work and couldn’t be there, so I found myself waiting outside the classroom alone as the couple before me went well over their allotted time.

I wasn’t sure that I really needed to be here this time.  The reason I was there was concern over the fluctuation we have between a motivated, enthusiastic boy who gets himself ready for school and makes his own lunch and the distressed, crying boy who won’t let go of his mother to let her out of the door when he is dropped off.

It makes you realise, as I have ever since his first night on earth when I held his hand in the crib at the hospital, that there is no owners manual with children.

His teacher has no answers either.  He sees a happy boy who is a good student and who is popular with the other kids.  Maybe it’s just the end of term blues, maybe he’s got a bit of a cold, maybe it’s something more serious.  Thoughts like bi-polar, aspergus and worse can’t be stopped from appearing in your head.

Thankfully the teacher and I have formed a little partnership and have agreed to monitor the problem and communicate.  I’m quietly confident we’ll get it right.  We have to, of course, because so much is at stake.

Each year for the past few years a group of us have gone to the Bunya Mountains for a short break.  There were four families this year.  All around the same age and most of the kids at similar ages too. 

These were the same people I used to go away with for drunken weekends at Coolum.  We always stayed at the Coolum pub and regularly swam nude in the pool, late at night.  (It was very dark, so nobody saw anything.)

It’s really very comforting to see that they are facing the same issues we are.  Balancing lifestyle and income.  Working at careers and spending time with kids.  Finding time to spend on their relationships.

We were up there for four days.  It usually takes me just about that long to get sick of people and want to retreat to my introverted normality.  I didn’t get that feeling this time.  I think I could have happily stayed another week.  Bring on next year.

Sorry that I haven’t posted anything in the last couple of days. I know there are at least a couple of people who actually read this blog and I wouldn’t want to lose you. It’s not been a great week really. Actually it’s been a real bummer but perhaps a chance to practice counting one’s blessings.

1. The clutch on the car died and it will cost over $3000 to repair. Even this brings little bits of good stuff. My two sons enjoyed seeing the tow truck come. We’ve hired a car for the weekend and that’s exciting. At least we have a car and it has been pretty good to us over the years.

2. The computer died. Not sure what the extend of the damage is at this stage, hopefully just a power problem and not a total hard drive failure. At least I have a computer I can use while we get the other one fixed.

3. I turned 39. Could be worse, there are people who never made it this far. 39 may not be as good as 29, but it’s a heck of a lot better than 19. Thank God I’ve learnt a few things since then. I also have a lovely wife and two great boys to help me celebrate. They made me really great birthday cards and got me a ticket to the movies. What more could a man want.

I have tried this last week to really do a good job at work.  I put in the effort and got some answers to a couple of things that have been on the too hard basket.  I also did some things that I personally find very hard.  I told someone that I couldn’t deliver something and I asked my boss for feedback on my performance.  All in all it went pretty well.

There is just one incident I would like to rant on.  I’m doing a job for one particular person.  It involves testing and preparing for the implementation of a change.  I have been held up by not being able to get some answers from other parties.  My boss has also asked for these answers.  None forthcoming as yet.   On Friday I was told by this person that she really doesn’t want to wait.

Well I’m sure she doesn’t.  What does she think, I’m doing this for fun?  This woman is, externally, a very attractive person.  All the bits in the right places, almost model attractive.  Her attitude and lack of intelligence make her repulsive as far as I’m concerned.

I shall do my best to get this job done, but a real part of me wants to tell this bitch to get #$%^!

This is the problem with this department.  No one says - “good job”, but plenty of people are ready to say “you haven’t done this.”

Going back to work tomorrow.  She-Ra is feeling a bit better.  It hasn’t exactly been a holiday but….  I’m not exactly enjoying work at the moment.  I applied for and got this new job in January.  Everybody thought it would be a great job for me.  Of course it still might be.  It’s always hard to start in a new job.  I’ve been told it will take at least 12 months for me to really know what I’m doing.

Really not looking forward to going back tomorrow.  Somehow I’ve got this job to do a full reconcilliation of a couple of ‘control’ accounts.  They haven’t been looked after properly for quite a few years.  I don’t know how to do it and don’t want to do it.  It looks like my boss isn’t going to let me get out of it.

Oh well!  I’ve been away seven working days.  Maybe the world has opened up and swallowed the building.

My mother was born in the mid 1930’s.  Her parents were not enlightned, they dragged themselves up.  I think my grandma who was naturally tall and thin (a condition no doubt assisted by the TB) was pretty hard on Mum’s naturally more chunky frame.

I know that Mum loves me, although she has never said it.  I know that she cares because she seems unable to have a conversation with me that doesn’t end up in a criticism of my appearance.  No doubt this is of great service to the community, an attempt to protect them from my frightening appearance. 

I had wondered recently why it is that when Mum and Dad are over I end up talking to Dad and SheRa is left with Mum.  I was a little ashamed that there were things going on that my wife knew before I found them out.  There’s a simple reason, Mum can’t help but get around to my physical appearance.  I can’t tell you how much it does for a young man’s self esteem to hear as I did before I had reached the age of 10 that I wasn’t that attractive. 

It’s partly my fault.  I should go with my basic feelings and say “******!”  I feel this would adequately describe my feelings. 

Look.  I am fat.  It’s a combination of a love of food and a dislike of physical activity.  I know it’s bad for my health.  If Mum had ever said she loved me and accepted me for who I am it would be a lot easier to hear the truth about how I need to lose weight.

It’s been a few days since I posted.  That won’t really concern the readership, because there isn’t one.

Latest is that SheRa spent Thursday to Saturday nights in hospital and came home on Sunday.  She’s going OK.  Quite sore and now has a cold that I gave her.  (No one can say I don’t share).  She’s also got high blood pressure.  Probably  has had for a long time but it was identified in the hospital.

I’ve said before in these pages that I love my wife.  I missed her while she was in hospital.  It was strange to be in the bed we share on my own.  The kids seemed to cope OK and as always the support from my parents and parents in law was great.

I’m not a great carer.  I do the houswork and bring good meals.  That stuff isn’t too hard.  But I do get frustrated and of course it pushes all the old buttons that I’m having to do everything on my own, even though this time she has a really good excuse. 

One of my fears is that I’ll be left on my own to raise two boys.  My wife has been fat as long as I’ve known her and I fell in love with her that way.  I love her body, but I am really worried, especially with this blood pressure thing that she might not be around as long as she should.  Worse still - what if she had a stroke or something and was still alive but not her.  Maybe needing long term care.  That is the worst nightmare.

Today is the day.  In a few hours She-Ra will be going in for her surgery.  This morning I walked our older son to school.  He was quite happy until it came time to for me to leave.  “I don’t want you to leave.” he said.  He didn’t know why he was upset. 

He’s like me in many ways.  As a child I did lots of “stiff upper lip” behaviour.  I perceived that my parents didn’t want me to show emotion and that emotions, especially ones like anger, fear or sadness were bad and were something to overcome.  I’ve had a lot of years in therapy dealing with that.  Even so it’s something I still do to this day.  I hope I haven’t subconciously taught my sons to do the same thing. 

As a child what would happen to me was that at the moment when things came to a head I would suddenly cry, or run away.  I had spent so much energy suppressing the emotions that I had failed to prepare for the event itself.  It could be a bit of projection on my part, but it worries me that that’s what happened with my boy this morning.  He was happily playing with his brother.  We had a great walk up to the school together, we talked happily about lots of stuff.  Of course he knew his mum was going into hospital, he’d said goodbye to her.  Then again maybe he just doesn’t like that point of seperation.

PS.  This post was drafted up and then posted later.

In a few days my wife will go into hospital.  It’s a minor thing really, the removal of her thyroid glands.  For some time the swelling goiter has been a literal pain in the neck, effecting sleeping and bringing headaches and general discomfort.  Who knows what other effects the apparently non functioning thyroid has had on her general health and energy levels.  So it’s all for the best really and has to happen.

That doesn’t make it any easier for me.  I’m worried.  I’m deeply in love with this woman.  I probably didn’t know how much until this thing started to be real.  Of course she’s been in hospital when the kids were born, but it’s nothing like this.  I’m worried that she’ll be in pain, I’m worried that I will do something wrong in looking after her.  I’m worried for myself that I will be carrying the burden of two children and a sick wife for weeks to come.  I hope that it won’t be anywhere near that long.

 I’m happy that I work for an organisation that allows me to have time off to care for my wife.  I know it’s my obligation as the father of this family to step up at this time.  That doesn’t make it any more of a pleasant idea.

This is a bit of a test really.  Just playing around with some pictures.  My new motto to myself is don’t hide your light.  It’s more that a bit ironic given that this blog is completely anonymous and to the best of my knowledge has no readership.  I certainly haven’t told any of my friends or family about writing it.  Maybe it would be more correct to say this is about hiding your light in a different way.

People who may stumble across this, please let me know if you like the artwork. I’m keen to get constructive feedback and truth be known I wouldn’t mind some blind praise and adoration either.