Sermons and Confessions

I’m embarrassed to admit that I have watched, enjoyed and owned pornography.  I suppose it started as a teenager when like most boys I was interested to find out what girls looked like and what people did.  The few items of porn that were available from other, richer boys were exciting and fascinating and they fostered my burgeoning sexual fantasies.   It’s hard to explain the fascination and excitement that I felt at that time, it’s not true that boys think about nothing else, but in my experience it is true that their thoughts can turn very quickly and intensely to sex with very little prompting.    As an adult this fascination has matured and changed but hasn’t really gone away.  Of course I am married and have two children, proof to the world that I have had sex at least twice.  I own two pornographic DVD’s and I look at pornography on the internet although I haven’t ever subscribed or bought porn on the internet.  I’m not under any misconception that the stories reflect anyone’s real life and they certainly don’t reflect the sexual thinking or acts of any woman that I have been close enough to ask about the subject.My justification was that the movies and pictures were of adults who were being paid lots of money to perform under their own free will.  It enhanced my fantasies and sometimes made the fun activity of masturbation more interesting and exciting.  In short a fairly harmless practice. That view has been challenged in the last couple of weeks.  I recently heard John Safran and Father Bob (Sunday Night Safran, Triple J) talking to two women who have a ministry in Los Angeles that works with people in the porn industry.  According to these two women, ex porn stars themselves, most porn actors are victims of child abuse.  Their self esteem has been damaged and they try to make sex a meaningless act that they can do for money.  Often they have drifted from stripping or prostitution into the porn industry.  Often they are supporting drug habits.  They are vulnerable people who are used by organised crime to make these movies.  Many are suffering from STDs because most pornographers ignore laws that forbid the exchange of bodily fluid in these films.  Many of the actors are stuck in the industry, too afraid to leave and fearful of being recognized by potential normal employers.  Some are even suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I can’t say that I will never look at porn again, but I certainly can’t think of it as harmless any more.

For those of you who haven’t realized from the name of this blog, I was raised as a Catholic.   I don’t go to Mass.  I don’t pray much.  I cannot share the church’s views on homosexuality and I think the church itself is somewhat old fashioned, male dominated and political organization that makes terrible mistakes.  That said at heart I think of myself as a catholic.  I still feel comfort and connection when I do go to mass and still believe in a Jesus Christ who died and rose from the dead.   To that end I think it’s great that there is such a thing as World Youth Day and that it’s being held in Australia.  It would be a great adventure to be a young delegate going to Sydney.  It’s great too that the Pope is in Sydney for World Youth Day.  I don’t have any problem with the government paying money for him to be here.  They pay for other world leaders and they pay money for sporting and cultural events.  The money generated by the visitors (more visitors than the Olympics) will more than offset any cost. Whatever else the Pope may stand for he fundamentally stands for Jesus Christ.  JC was about people living together, trying to have compassion and understanding for each other and about them growing spiritually.  The church hasn’t always practiced Jesus teaching, but the teaching itself is pretty good.  Maybe a bit of Christianity will rub off onto the church and the pilgrims.

When I was in my 20’s I enjoyed singing as a hobby.  For a while there it was something that I thought I might do as a job.  Musical Theatre was my particular passion.  It was through our mutual involvement in a production of Call Me Madam in 1996 that She-Ra and I met.

My singing teacher during this time was a remarkable woman.  She was very dedicated and caring.  A professional Opera singer herself, she had left a promising career to look after a family. 

She was a good teacher and she became a friend.  In order to give us experience, performing in front of people, she formed a concert party to perform at retirement villages.  She gave up lots of her own time in order to supervise rehearsals, which were often held at her home.

Eventually I decided that being married and having kids was where my focus lay.  I didn’t have the guts to admit it, not properly to myself and especially not to her.  Because I was gutless I didn’t end my association with her properly, didn’t really say goodbye, didn’t say thanks, didn’t say I valued her friendship.

Last year she died after a battle with the terrible and debilitating Motor Neurone Disease.  I had known that she was ill, but I didn’t have the guts to go and see her.  I went to her funeral.  I remembered our times together.  I think of her often.  I’m sorry I was such a coward.